Rally Sweden

[Marcus]

It is with much regret that it appears that the Alliance Motorsport Rally predictions have become, shall I dare say popular and thence it is also with much dismay that the lack of good taste is noted in the rally population. It is also thence my sad, sad duty to once again call the spies we have on the WRC circuit, gather our intelligence (for want of a better word) and type out the vaguely interesting and appallingly spelt and always 100% accurate Alliance Motorsport Rally Predictions.

I think you guys and gals should see a doctor if you actually want more of this dribble. But of course sanity is not part of the makeup of a rally crew so I suppose we are all in good company, yes?

The WRC circus now moves from the cold and Frenchness of Monaco to the Land of the Ice and Snow, the midnight sun where the hot springs blow, the hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands, to fight the Citroens, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming! , AHHHHHHHHHHHhah AHHHHHHHHHhah!

:: One moment dear readers. Our correspondant is obviously having a Led Zepplin moment and will need restraining before he begins Stairway to Heaven::

*BONK*

:: After an appropriate amount of time wakening said typist and explaining the situation with a large iron bar we now continue ::

What no Stairway? DENIED DUDE!

Ahem, yes. Land of the..... OKAY OUT THE BAR DOWN!!! I'm GETTING BACK T THE POINT!!!!

Right, where were we? Ahhh yes, if Captain No Fun will let me continue, we now have our spies reports from Valhall.... errrmmm Sweden and we can now bring you who's doing what and where for the Rally of Sweden.

After the last round in Monte Carlo, Citroen's new Transformer rally car has been fitted with a set of snow skis and a coffee maker. While of course this does not make the car any faster, it is hoped it will make Danny Sordo go away. Far, Far away because everyone hates him and he smells like a Viking's armpit. His co-driver has secretly been instructed to give a spiked cup of coffee to Sordo, then after he is knocked out, tie his prone body to the skis and then find a nice big hill, hopefully overlooking a big fjord, then push.

Yes, I know Fjords arent in Sweden, but we aint in Norway and.....

.... Oh my. I just realised all the fun I can have with petshops and Norway next round!

.... yes anyway you know what we want to do. Deep valley, high hill, Sordo learns how to fly for 30 seconds. And thence he wont be finishing the rally

Or starting with any luck

Sebastian Loeb was seen to be in some discomfort at Monte Carlo and when asked later he was heard to say "Ummmm yes the car is very good... ummm I drove ummmm well...." while not moving his lips. It is now believed that Loeb has an endless loop tape recording to answer all questions anyone asks him. Our Rally Spy for the event, Ric Cary reports that all is not well int eh Citroen camp with Daniel Elana complaining about sitting on a purple dildo left on his seat. "I am not GAY! Ezzz not funny!" he yelled, before hurling his handbag at the Citroen team director. Later that evening one of the mechanics of Citroen was heard asking where Frankie was. Who Frankie is, I have no idea and I suspect I dont want to know

Loeb, despite how fat and heavy the C4 is and how it doesnt actually want to be a rally car, but prefers sitting about eating chips and watching reality TV will be third.

Marcus Gronholm we know isn't gay. He likes women and Sweden has lots of them, usually in hottubs and blonde. While this is a good state of affaris and a most desireable place to be in the middle of a cold Sweden, there is still a rally to win and with much regret he resumes rally hostilities, while debating with Malcolm Wilson how to put a spa in his Focus. Because Malcolm is a clever man, he installed said hot spa with Swedish women upgrade in the service park and you have never seen Marcus drive that fast in you life. Can you blame him? Wouldnt you rather three buxom blondes, hottub, champagne to a rally? But as fast as he drives, he still ends up second.

First..... well..... okay I know this is going out on a limb and very likely to be the most ridiculous thing I will say today but I am picking Petter Solberg to win. Much happier now that the Suabru is no longer a steaming huge pile of **** (it's just a small pile of **** now) and also now that the rumours of his crossdressing have been verified, he finds a new source of speed (Sven from Ansterdam) and aces the rally.

The fact his young five year old team mate Chris Atkinson showed him up badly at the Monte has nothing to do with it of course. Never mind doubters are beginning to doubt Petter's natural pace as the one with the best boobies on his groupies and that Atkinson's average Groupie bust size is a 36D. Never mind that while Petter has the blondes, Chris is getting all the brunettes and even the occasional redhead. And lets face it, redheads are where it's at. Never mind that Chris also has gone closer to going into orbit with his car..... nope, Petter's place as No 1 is definatly not in any danger. Unless Chris' order of grenades and landmines comes through soon. I dont hink Chris this time will finish, mainly because he has an accident on the toilet. How his bum got superglued there, no one knows and Petter aint telling.

Henning Solberg is by far the coolest driver and has by far the best looking car and because Ric Cary said Henning has a groupie with a chest that looks like two airbags going off, I pick Henning to be fourth.

Fifth? Mikko Hirvonen. Cause.... well.... he's still sulking over Monte Carlo and doesnt know about anyone aiming to glue Chris Atkinson to a toilet seat.

Sixth is Toni Gardenmaster and he has quite a garden filled with interesting plants.

Seventh and Eight are a lottery so put the names in a hat and draw them out at your own lesuire. I'm off to sample some of Toni's most extraordinary plant collection. Peace dudes and whooooooooooo munchies.

[mrbob]

You're making less and less sense as time goes by mate........

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by mrbob

You're making less and less sense as time goes by mate........

That'll be Toni's special herbal cigarettes doing that. I promise to be sober, sane and fed for the next one. And much like a good Bond villain, I will also have a monocle and a cat.

[Brett Wright]

Ric Cary and Robert Edwards are in Sweden. So maybe when he gets back he might have some photos of Henning Solbergs groupy with the "Air bag" Chest.

[TCH]

I hope you get fed, but please don't worry about being sober & definitely DON'T find your sanity!
We love your work now, don't change a thing!!

[Marcus]

LATE BREAKING NEWS

In a surprise move, VK Stobbart have been forced to change drivers for the 2007 Swedish Rally. Regular driver Matthew Wilson (who most surprisingly did not use the SUPER(reverb echo) RALLY system in Monte Carlo has been given a one rally boot for the new team sponsor of Muppet Labs appointed driver, The Swedish Chef. Asked about how he felt about this unexpected opportunity, he remarked "Oh, thees is a vunderffool ooppurtooneety Mooppet Lebs ere-a geefing me-a. Und es vell, i get tu cuuk fur ell ooff zee ****rul ooffffeeciels. I'm mekeeng Svedeesh Meetbells! Frum reel Svedes! Yoom Yoom Yoom! Und ve-a hefe-a zee chuculete-a muuoose-a. Furst ve-a get zee hut chuculete-a.... und zeen ve-a get zee muuoose-a. Here-a muoose-a muoose-a! Neece-a muoose-a!"

Asked about the car he wold be driving this weekend, The Swedish Chef commented "Oh, thees is a fery neece-a cer thees is. Fery ummm...... Furdeesh. Yes, it's a Furd. Und it hes.... a toorbu? Is thet vhet yuoo cell it? Und it gues fest. Hoo fest I hefe-a nu idea becoose-a Iv ill be-a mekeeng Cheeckee Culesev. Here-a ve-a hefe-a zee cebbege-a (Tusses zee cebbege-a in zee eur)... und here-a ve-a hefe-a zee buum buum! *BOOM* Und ve-a joost cetch cebbege-a felleeng veet zee bool.... und noo get get zee cheeckee..... Bork Bork Bork!"

The Sweidsh Chef, because of local knowledge is now our pick for seventh place, followed by Beaker in a Group B Audi Quattro in eigth

[smee]

And some nut Argentinian has been fined 15,000 Euros and slapped with a 4 minute penalty prior to the start.

Damn fool got caught speeding more than a few, lets just say a shedload of times......

This will probably be his first and last drive for the Minchi team......

[TKM]

Atko fastest in shakedown. Let's hope he follows that through to the event.

[mrbob]

Originally Posted by TKM

Atko fastest in shakedown. Let's hope he follows that through to the event.

Noice!!!

You're right - lets hope so!!

[Kagan]

Looks like he is 13th after the first stage, 5.? seconds behind toni Gardemister who won the stage.

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by Kagan

Looks like he is 13th after the first stage, 5.? seconds behind toni Gardemister who won the stage.

Probably rightfully considered that it was no use trying to be a hero.

[kenh]

And Loeb only 20th. Did he have a problem?

[AussieNav]

Loeb stalled on the start line, or I should say that with the automatic launch controls they use his car stalled!

[tortfeaser]

Such a slow stage...over 12min40s for a 11.3km stage

[Ric Cary]

Originally Posted by Brett Wright

Ric Cary and Robert Edwards are in Sweden. So maybe when he gets back he might have some photos of Henning Solbergs groupy with the "Air bag" Chest.

Greetings from Sweden phark its cold thought how good is this no dust nup just the same except its wet and cold,we have just comandeered some ones computor in the Hagfors service park made it to one stage this morning they make you walk for pharkin ever drove the stages yesterday this snow driving is a piece of piss going to Colins Crest this afternoon have never seen so many pissed rally spectators but they are all having a good time

see ya

Ric and Rob