Merry Christmas...

[Rallyray]

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from ATO sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible... Those mean little ****s

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls... Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots... they think I'm IBM!

If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats... with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile.... their mums think I'm weird

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
I'll laze in the sun - into bed I'll get tucked
And those snotty nosed brats….. can go and get $#@!&*.

[jem]

Haha... very nice.

And a very merry bah humbug to you too.

[tamsey]

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin' time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Clause, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain

[Matt]

I posted this last year, and thought I would post it again. I couldn't be bothered modifying it...

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The children were buggered - they'd worn themselves out,
destroying the place to find their presents' hideout.

The Agent's in bits (the season was over),
and spread through the shed, in a nice even cover.
Now Christmas had drained me, I'd spent all my cash
on stuff that the kids will break in a flash.

Next season would be tight, and we would have to make do
without some of the luxuries, like paper in the loo.
So the budget was written and my head was now clear,
I could enjoy the next morning (with the aid of some beer).

Soon after I dozed off, I awoke to a noise
that came from the shed - the place of my toys!
"Robbers!" I cried, as I grabbed a big bat,
"I'll shove this so deep that you'll shriek like a cat!"

I opened the door of the shed with great care,
and Bugger Me! Santa was standing right there!
"What the hell are you doing?" I said, jaw ajar,
"You never go messing with another man's car!"

But on looking around, What a wonderful sight!
The stuff that he'd brought in the dark of the night!
New harnesses! New helmets! And a new driving suit!
A pair of new boots, and some tyres for the ute!

Terratrip, Terraphone, and plenty of tools!
A pair of new Sparcos, and some quality fuels!
There's Proflex! And Pagids! And bloody big rotors!
That's Hollinger! And here's stuff for 3 brand new motors!

New rims with new tyres in two massive mounds
marked "Pirelli" and "Michelin" in different compounds.
And right in the middle of this wonderful stuff,
a brand-spanking new EVO, to top it all off!

I stood there just gob-smacked. He had just changed my life!
"I love you!" I said "Please, sleep with my wife!"
His eyes then met mine and the smile left his face
"I'm sorry, I thought this was Mark Banyard's place..."



Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Matt