Joke Thread

[Brett Wright]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything, of particular merit?"

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once,
on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came
upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone but they wouldn't
listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled,
"Now, back off. Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."

[Jimmy]

A prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the Tandem Story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send a copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add their paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending a copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was turned in by two of his English students,
Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he adored her and her mild-tasting chamomile potion. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So ! of course, chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed, bipolar asthmatic named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night with over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law to Permanently Abolish War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.
She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the h! uman race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, dim-witted, THICK Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is an opinionated, violent, chauvinistic semi-literate,
pubertal baby.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered, tedious, unstable
obsessive-compulsive whose attempts at writing are the literary
equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FREAKING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such a helpless, needy, air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A__hole.

(Gary)
Bitch

(Rebecca)
SCREW YOU, YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
Go drink some TEA – you tiresome, mind-numbing wench.

(TEACHER)
A+, kids - I really liked this one.

[Jimmy]

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes
across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He
gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephants' foot
only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.

Carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the
elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the
man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a
good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but
being trampled.
Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

For years after the man often remembers and ponders the events of that
day ..

One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they
approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks
over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the
man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs
tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He
walks right up to the elephant and stares in wonder. The elephant
gazes at him, looking deep into his eyes.

Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and
swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing
him... ...............



Probably not the same elephant then.

[Miss]

> Telephone conversation goes:
>
> "Hello, is this the police?"
>
> "Yes it is. How can we help you?"
>
> "I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza.
> He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
>
> Thank you very much for the call."
>
> The next day, police officers descent on Wazza's house in
> great numbers.
> They search the house and then go out to the shed here the firewood
> is kept.
>
> Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
> cocaine.
>
> They swear at Wazza and leave.
>
> The phone rings at Wazza's house.
>
> "Hey Wazz. Did the cops come?"
>
> Yeah!"
>
> Did they chop up your firewood?"
>
> Yep."
>
> Happy Birthday, maaaaaaate"

[Dave Ferris]

A young woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
jumping off the Harbour Bridge.

She climbed the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when
a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by
the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry."

[fro]

A driver calls his navigator and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Navigator asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The driver says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
The navigator decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
The driver has the puzzle spread all over the table.
The navigator studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to the driver and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. Secondly, I want you to relax. Let me get you a beer, and then... ", he said with a deep sigh, "Let's put all these corn flakes back in the box."

Stolen from: http://table-top-rallying.org.uk/

[Spac]

I wouldn't normally bother posting this, but I figured some pople on this forum would appreciate it (hello Ferret!). From ausrotary:

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to
enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and
maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.
I'm a bit older and a bit hairier than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!
"Yeah," I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me,
saying that she thought tubby hairy men were cute!
"Anyway..." she giggled " I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I told her to f#$k off.

[Ben Wilson]

A young man named Johnny bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, I have some
bad news. The donkey is on my truck, but I'm afraid he's dead."
Johnny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Johnny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway."
The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"
Johnny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Johnny, with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I
just won't tell anybody that he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Johnny and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"
Johnny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $798.00."
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
Johnny replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead
was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him
his $2 back plus $200 extra, which is double the going value of a
donkey, so he thought I was a really great guy."
Johnny grew up and eventually became the Prime Minister of Australia,
and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from
Aussie voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money,
most of them thought he was a great guy.

[geralds]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before "Oh no," says Dave." He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
"Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

[Ausrally]

The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, that was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks & State Forests, was climbing a big tree to have a look out over the forestry when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.



In a panic to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in the crotch of her designer shorts. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest Doctor, told him she was an environmentalist, and how she got all the splinters.



The Doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for three hours before the Doctor reappeared.



The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks and Wildlife service, Rural Fire Service, and Conservation and Land Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a recreational area....... I am sorry but they turned me down."

[Kirrilee]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both
of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is
hurt.

God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see
where the evening leads."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back
to
the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them...

[gloworm]

The Urinal Is Too High?

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade.

""No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh''

[TKM]

A new British Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert, during his first inspection of his new outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

The Captain replied, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain started having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stood on the ladder, pulled his pants down and had wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he was done, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir......they usually just ride the camel into town where the women are. "

[TKM]

40 Things You'd love to Say out Loud at Work


1 I can see your point, but I still think you're full of *****.

2 I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3 How about never? Is never good for you?

4 I see you've set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.

5 I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6 Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7 I'm out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.

8 I don't work here - I'm a consultant.

9 It sounds like English, but I don't understand a damn word you're saying.

10 Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11 I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12 You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13 I have plenty of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.

14 I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

15 I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16 Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17 The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18 Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19 What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

20 I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21 It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.

22 Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23 And your cry-baby whiny assed opinion would be?

24 Do I look like a f***king people person to you?

25 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26 I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27 Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28 If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30 Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31 Oh, I get it. Like humour. Only different.

32 A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.

33 Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

34 Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35 Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?

36 Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is finally done.

37 How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38 I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39 I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

40 Wait a minute - I'm just trying to imagine you with a personality.

[foto001]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wzMJ_RdgHg
Check this out it's hilarious.