Joke Thread

[rskb4]

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."




But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
whispering.............."Dave, you're a vet..."

[Spac]

Shamelessly ripped off from another forum (a pat on the head goes to the first person who tells me which forums I got it from...):

The Secret to a Happy Marriage.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man."We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled.
My wife quietly said, "That's once".
We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again.

My wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, while I was shouting, she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.

"And we lived happily ever after "

[Saru]

First joke:
(you may have heard this one)
A penguin find his car is running poorly, so he takes it in to the mechanic to get it looked at. The mechanic tells him it'll be 20 minutes for a diagnosis. The penguin noticed an Ice-cream shop just across the road from the garage so he waddles over for a cone. The penguin loves ice-cream and he gets it all over his beak. He waddles back to the garage. The mechanic sees him coming and says, "Looks like you blew a seal". The penguin says, "nah, it's just ice-cream".

Second Joke:
(This is an American joke, but I'm imagining everyone will understand it. Apparently it was popular in the 1930s. A pat on the head for the first to say where I've stolen it from)
A young man (call him Joe) is walking along the highway with his thumb out, looking for a lift. A car slows and the driver leans out and asks, "Are you a Democrat, or a Republican?"
"Democrat" he says, and the car speeds off.

A while later, another car slows, "Are you a Democrat, or a Republican?"
"Democrat", and the car speeds off. The young man decides to change his tack.

A while later, a convertible, driven by a beautiful blonde slows, ""Are you a Democrat, or a Republican?".
"Republican"
"Hop in".

They drive along and the breeze is pushing the blonde's skirt higher and higher up her thighs. The young man finds himself getting aroused. "Stop the car!" he cries. "I've only been a Republican for 10 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"

[Rallyray]

Whats the defination of a transvestite?
A man who like to eat, drink and be mary

[RD Mullet]

*31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

*19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas decorations they believed were chocolate.

*Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.

*101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

*18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

*A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.

*5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.

*3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their tongue.

*142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

*58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.and finally:

*8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep/passing out while throwing up into the toilet

YEP its great to be Australian!

[pkobold]

Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1 : “High there new neighbor it sure is a nice day to be moving”
New Neighbor : “Yes it is and people around here seem extremely friendly”
Neighbor 1 : “So what is it you do for a living”
New Neighbor : “I am a professor at the university, I teach deductive reasoning”
Neighbor 1 : “Deductive reasoning , what is that?”
New Neighbor : “Let me give you a example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce you have a dog.”
Neighbor 1 : “That’s right”
New Neighbor : “The fact that you have a dog leads me to deduce that you have a family.”
Neighbor 1 : “Right again”
New Neighbor : “Since you have a family , I can deduce that you have a wife””
Neighbor 1 : “Correct”
New Neighbor : “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.”
Neighbor 1 : “Yup”
New Neighbor : “That is deductive reasoning”
Neighbor 1 : “Cool”

Later that same day

Neighbor 1 : “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door”
Neighbor 2 : “Is he a nice guy”
Neighbor 1 : “Yes and he has a interesting job”
Neighbor 2 : “Oh, yeah what does he do?”
Neighbor 1 : “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University”
Neighbor 2 : “Deductive reasoning, what is that”
Neighbor 1 : “let me give you a example. Do you have a dog house?”
Neighbor 2 : “No “
Neighbor 1 : “Fag.”

[pkobold]

Important Fact No. 2301..... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties, and the achievement of excellence in all disciplines. It also explains why, after a few short years after leaving university and getting married, most workers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few who stick to the strict regime of voracious alcohol consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved in their college years.

If you feel that you are losing your competitive and technological edge, do not sit and shudder at home - get back into the pub. Your company needs you to be at your peak, and you should not deny yourself the sparkling career that you deserve!

[Julie]

Up for a bit o' man bashing???


15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone..

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.


14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[Rallyray]

hey Julie,


What do you do if a women walks out of the kitchen? Shorten the lead.

What do you say to a women with a black eye?
Nothing! you've already told her before!


Why do women get periods?
Cause they deserve them.

[Julie]

One man's brilliant sick day excuse -

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the
truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained
a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a beaut lie to explain the bandage on my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a little kitten. Initially, the new acquisition was no
problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast,
when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come and reset it. "

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
pitter-patter. "Please, I'm scared!" she pleaded.

"What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "Come on, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behaviour was not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning
any or consideration for my inadequacy to defend myself.

No, it wasn't the garbage disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitten, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I was otherwise
engaged under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered, and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my tackle.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing
straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having
been fully briefed by my wife, the ambulance officers pissed themselves
as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue? "

If they had only known.

[Rallyray]

That poor bastard...

[TKM]

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

Then why is it that women insist on trying???

[Spac]

Courtesy of Miss. As she said, even if it's an urban legend, it's still funny:

Getting square (with class).

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Sydney University. It was in the local newspaper and even Alan Jones mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his
bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the
guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends......................................$32,0 00.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion..... .
.............................................$3,00 0.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui.............................................$ 8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man..........Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD.

[TKM]

Why do women get periods?

So once a month they get to know what it's like living with a c##t.

[Tweety]

Originally Posted by TKM

So once a month they get to know what it's like living with a c##t.

Depending on your definition of c***, most women know what that's like all of the time .