Joke Thread

[pkobold]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them
apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt
her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes woman's sex
drive by 90%..........wedding cake


Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q: What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q: Why did the army send so many premenstrual women to the Gulf?
A: Because they fought like animals and retained water for four days.

Q. What do you get if you cross an owl with a hedgehog?
A. A prick that stays up all night.

Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q: What's a wife?
A: It's an attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What have a fat girl and a moped got in common?
A. They're both a good ride but you wouldn't want your mates to see you on one.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spit, swallow and gargle

A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers from her husband. "I suppose I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air," she says, to which her friend replies, "Why, don't you have a vase?"

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

*Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering

*Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

*When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

*A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

*Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

*How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

*A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

*A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

*A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife.

*Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

*The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

*Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"

*First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

*Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.

*When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

*This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, the next morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

*A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

*A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"

*Angry woman says: If I was your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee Angry man says: Madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!

TOASTS: To our wives and lovers . . . may they never meet!

[Miss]

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

They were just about to begin arguing with each other about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official walking
toward them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man
said:

"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"

To which her husband quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[Ben Wilson]

A bit of road walks into a bar.

He slaps a $50 note on the bar and declares "I'm the toughest, meanest guy in this bar and I challenge anybody to prove otherwise"

A grizzled old country highway strolls over stares him in the eye and says "I'll have a piece of that action"

The tension starts to rise when suddenly a multi lane superhighway who was sitting up the back walks over and simply says "I'm in.."

The music stops, and other bar patrons back off while the three combatants stand in a tense stand off.

Then the bar door opens and a little guy walks in, less than a quarter the size of the others and brightly painted.

The three combatants suddenly find something much more interesting to worry about and quietly wander back to their seats and the music starts again.

One of the patrons turns to a regular and asks "What just happened?"

The answer "You don't make trouble when that guys around - He's a total cyclepath"

[Dave Ferris]

An 80-year-old man, went to his doctor for his annual
check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've
never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my
child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and
never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his
gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two
shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."


The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Bogan]

A big black bear walks into a beefsteak bar and says to the barman, "Barman, bring me a beer."

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big black bears."

So the bear goes, "Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!" and belches broadly.

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big black bears, and we certainly don't bring beer to bears who belch broadly."

So the bear goes, "Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!" and starts behaving badly.

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big black bears, and we certainly don't bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don't bring beer to bears who behave badly."

So the bear goes, "Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!" and badmouths the barman.

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big black bears, and we certainly don't bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don't bring beer to bears who behave badly, and we refuse to bring beer to bears who badmouth the barman."

So the bear goes, "Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!" and breaks a beaker.

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big black bears, and we certainly don't bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don't bring beer to bears who behave badly, and we refuse to bring beer to bears who badmouth the barman, and we never bring beer to bears who break beakers."

So the bear goes, "Grrrrr! Barman, bring me a beer!" and takes a bite out of the bar.

The barman says, "I'm sorry sir, this is a beefsteak bar. We don't bring beer to big black bears, and we certainly don't bring beer to bears who belch broadly, and we definitely don't bring beer to bears who behave badly, and we refuse to bring beer to bears who badmouth the barman, and we never bring beer to bears who break beakers, and in no circumstances will we bring beer to bears who take drugs."

"Eh?" says the bear, somewhat surprised. "I don't take drugs."

"Really?" says the barman. "What about that bar bit you ate?"

[Miss]

Now you know why Qantas is the best folks.



After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.



Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.



By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.



(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.



P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!)

S: Cat installed.



P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

[Matt Dyne]

Lizzy...no matter how many times I read that, and no matter what the guises (coz it's been in a military spec, a dodgy airline and something else), it never fails to crack me up.

Thanks for that...cheered up my day.
M

[Miss]

Seen it in various forms myself... same deal, I always end up on the floor laughing myself stupid.

Not sure who hasn't got the sense of humour, the pilots or the maintenance crew...

[Tweety]

Originally Posted by Karl Willett

Somebody post the one with all the air traffic control radio transcipts.... it's a cracker. You know "oh there's a dead animal at the end of the runway"..."we'll let our caterers know" etc.

I read that the other day but I can't remember where...

[Ben Wilson]

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxi way; you turned right on Delta. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".

Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, USAir 2771??"

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".

Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

-------------------------------------

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his
approach speed just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

--------------------------------------

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu
was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three two-Charlie, you're following a 727,
one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

--------------------------------------

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

--------------------------------------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

--------------------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."

--------------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flow to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off, I didn't stop."

--------------------------------------

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

--------------------------------------

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:

Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Before ground could answer someone replied in a beautiful British accent: "Because you lost the bloody war!"

oops - Forgot my favourite...

Flight 1234, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

[Dave Ferris]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

[Rallyray]

thats rough but i like it....

[Marty]

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people
from Queanbeyan.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Queanbeyan area were able to remove a
set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment.


John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team.


However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, the Queanbeyan pit crew successfully
changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a slab of VB, a kilogram of weed and some photos of Montoya's girlfriend in the shower.

[Swill]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all
over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool
table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool
table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats
everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and
stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the
bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now
what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt,
then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't
surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball
he measures everything first!"

[Adrian]

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?"

She said "No"

And the guy lived happily ever after