Joke Thread

[Daveee]

Originally Posted by Jimmy

A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with his face,mouth and teeth covered in blood! All the other bats get so excited and ask where he got it all from. 'Follow me..' he says. Off they flew,over the hills,over the river and into the dark forest. 'See that tree over there..? 'Yes' they reply, 'Well i f&*$@n didnt!!

I shouldn't have laughed, but I did. It's way too late on Friday afternoon!

[Spac]

In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.

But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.

According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language.

"Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist."

The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."

The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.

"Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

-------------
The bit I find funniest, is the (American) people on the forum I first saw this, all hanging poop on Palin for being an idiot.

[Livewireshock]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is
fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!' gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to
pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

[Livewireshock]

This current financial crisis is worse than divorce.


You lose all your money but your wife stays!!!!

[claude]

Happy as a pig in.....

[Rally Angel]

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

[Spac]

Probably a repost, but shamelessly stolen from the HRA Egroup:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed
him out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so
the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10
million dollars is hidden.

The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
underling's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you
don't tell him!"

The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

[Spac]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=wtofbx...layer_embedded

OMG - people like this really exist!? Definitely worth watching right through to the end.

[JohnnoEH]

Originally Posted by Spac

OMG - people like this really exist!? Definitely worth watching right through to the end.

BAHAHAHAHA

What a tool. Funniest **** I've seen in a long time, especially the ending.

[Rally Angel]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

[razoo]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[Rallyray]

Originally Posted by razoo

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

Hear about the dyslexic pimp? Bought himself a warehouse.

[Spac]

http://www.team-integra.net/forum/di...TopicID=252077

[Livewireshock]

Originally Posted by Spac

http://www.team-integra.net/forum/di...TopicID=252077

Dont you hate it when you get a ladder in your tail lights. LOL

[Buerckner]

Originally Posted by Livewireshock

Dont you hate it when you get a honda in your tights. LOL

yes i do.