Joke Thread

[Spac]

From Forg on TB (and PF and...), who may have stolen it from elsewhere:

Heinekin.

hiney / heine / heiney - slang for backside or arse.
kin - relatives / relations.

So, according to both ipso & facto, "Heinekin" = "Arse relations".
Welcome to the Blue Oyster.

[TKM Jnr]

Two really big jokes;

BMSC forums

CAMS vs AASA

[Rally Angel]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on: very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and slim. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

[oldmanbluebird]

Black
Testicles ..

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......



' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '

[legend]

News reports state that a two-seater Cesna has crashed onto the Dublin Cemetery.

Police have so far recovered over two thousand bodies….. and expect to find more.

[Buerckner]

Those that have never driven one and think FWD is boring on dirt

[Shannon]

Originally Posted by Buerckner

Those that have never driven one and think FWD is boring on dirt

Come on Andrew thats not a joke.

[Rallyray]

If you offended easily, best not to read this one ( or any of my other posts)

88 year old lady goes to Doctors.

"Doc, I'm incredibly itchy downstairs and I've tried everything to get rid of it. I think I have crabs"

Doc says "When was the last time you had sex?"

"Never. I'm a virgin..."

"Ok, jump up on the table and let me have a look"

Doc stares for a minute and says-

"Good news is you don't have crabs. Bad news is that you have fruit fly in your cherry."

Banned...

[Rally Angel]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flyer miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.

[Spac]

Oh noes, a 'funny picture thread'.

Too good to not share, but.





Adult themes:
http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f1...n/western2.jpg

[Spac]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third shop, everything had just been reduced when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life, he will require round- the- clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

[Rally Angel]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

*I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in.....until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again....

because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off!!!!!

[Spac]

[razoo]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.











So they buried Debbie.

[Chezsta]

A man gets up one morning to find his blonde wife in the kitchen cooking.

He looks to see what she's cooking and spots one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing ?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replies.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock."