Joke Thread

[MATNESmotorsports]

Originally Posted by Mike Cherry

you'll keep lad.

[sparko]

Originally Posted by Nighto

Some people Drive Datsuns.....:::cra zy::f inger:

Some people drive...

[Rallyray]

A little boy is walking down the footpath when a car pulls over.

" If you get in I'll give you a bag of Lollies and $10" The drivers says.

The boy refuses and keeps walking.

The man tries again " If you get in I'll give you a 3 bags of Lollies and $20"

" Piss off" Exclaims the boy.

The driver says finally " OK OK... I'll give you $50 and all the lollies you can eat if you just get in the car!"

The boy walks off from the footpath and over to the road, leans in and says " Listen Dad, you bought the fuggin Datsun, Now you have to live with it!"

[TKM]

That kid sounds like he needs a good smack around the ears

[TKM]

A Greenie runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.

As you would expect, the Greenie is an arrogant b..tard who thinks that he is smarter than the cop because of his education and training.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.
Cop says, "Licence, please." Greenie says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Greenie says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License, please."
Greenie says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence, please!"
Greenie says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me the fine, if not you let me go and no fine.
Cop says, "Okay, get out of your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his baton and starts beating the cr*p out of the Greenie and says:

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"




Q: How many Greenies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A1: None - lightbulbs aren't biodegradable. Greenies prefer to suffocate themselves with oil lamps.
A2: Twenty to write the EPA report, a hundred to protest the lightbulb changing, and one to give away the socket to the government so the evil capitalists don't get their hands on it and make a profit by offering to change it at a lower price.




Q: Why did the Greenie cross the road ?
A: He had to go back to the car to get his sign for the anti-globalization protest.

[bryanv]

In deference to the multi-cultural society and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'.

Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather'.

In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite!

[mrbob]

What's the best thing about an Emo Birthday Cake?

It cuts itself.

[Rallyray]

Originally Posted by mrbob

What's the best thing about an Emo Birthday Cake?

It cuts itself.

I like it... Alot.

[Rallyray]

After years of flirting, a man and woman in an old person's home agree to make love- and one day when the residents go on a day trip, they both stay behind. Impatient for his first bit of action in decades, the man quickly goes to the woman's room and asks her if theres anything she prefers.

She replies that she LOVES it when a man performs cunnilingus ( Note- Just tried to spell that- What a mouthful! ) on her. Grinning wildly, the man agrees and goes down.

After a few seconds, he reappears and says " I'm sorry but I'm afraid the smell is just terrible"

"Hmmm" she replies " It must be the arthritis"

He looks at her confused " Surely you can't get arthritis down there. And even if you could, it couldn't cause that smell"

She Replies " The arthritis is in my shoulder and I can't wipe my orse"

Send Neg Rep to Ryan Price please...

[Rus]

A lost little 5 year old boy clearly looking to be in distress is approached by a policeman in a shopping centre.
The policemen promptly asks the boy "Hello young man, are you lost?" to which the boy replies "Yes I am, I've lost my Dad!"
The policeman then continues with "What's he like?"
After thinking for a few seconds the boy comes out with "Bundy Rum and women with big boobs!"

[Dave Kelly]

Just found this on lamebook.com, there is some really odd + funny + strange + bizarre + completely unfathomable stuff there that people have supposedly cut & pasted or otherwise lifted from various social networking sites (mostly FB).

[Ric Cary]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear!'

[legend]

Originally Posted by Rallyray

cunnilingus - What a mouthful!

Young nurse comes around to the patients in same nursing home. she says to one old fella - how would you like some super sex?

he says 'just the soup thanks'

[Spac]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Ausrally]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
Question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
Name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"