Joke Thread

[claude]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says 'how you doin?'
Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are
freezing.'
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .
He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.
They say 'get away with ya.. Prove it.'
Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'
Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fu*kin one.....

[Spac]

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[Shabby]

Repco Rally Australia Protestors.





That is all.

[Stuart Walker]

Originally Posted by Spac

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Gold!

Guess it give new meaning to the phrase 'going soft'.

100% fatality says it all......

[imortl]

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

[Spac]

Rude words and adult themes, but I found it amusing:
http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f1...an/15f3cl2.jpg

[lisalex]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Little boy: "What the f@#^k do you think?

[razoo]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.


Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and flirting...


At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'


The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.


The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.


The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,


'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

[Miss]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.


The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink!?'

[Rally Angel]

Adult (and politically incorrect) Funnies. Do not proceed if easily offended.


An Australian scientist has invented a bra which offers
more support and prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing
up and down.

After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken
outside where a large group of men beat the **** out of
him.

------------------------------------------------------------

Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I
am going to wear a gold one."

Wife says, "Why don't you wear a silver one and come second
for a ****ing change."

------------------------------------------------------------

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases
packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think
you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can
earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might
as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes
back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you
think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I
want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"

------------------------------------------------------------

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time
they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on
the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he
accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are hand- fuls of five
and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the bills?"

To his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."

------------------------------------------------------------

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever
start thinking about something, and when you go to talk,
you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane
tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge
tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pitts-
burgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'."

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with
my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you
please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life
you ****ING BITCH.'"

------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and
had
tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever
he wanted.

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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't..

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and
then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:
'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And
you're single. Just let it go.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.


Whispering.....


Dave.......


Dave.........


Dave........

.........you're a vet Dave.

------------------------------------------------------------

An Indian Mystery revealed.

Finally someone has cleared this up for me ..

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of
us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but
the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true
story.


When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether
he has won :-
A -a taxi licence in Adelaide,
B -a convenience store in Melbourne,
C- a service station in Perth,
D- a kebab shop in Brisbane or
E- a take away cafe in Sydney.

If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering
telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in
Australia.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for
him to come out of the closet." --Bill Kelly

------------------------------------------------------------

After a session of sweaty sex, a satiated man lay in bed
cuddling his new girlfriend as she stroked his limp dick.

Enjoying the caresses, he smiled and said, "You really
seem to like to play with that."

"I do," she cooed, "Because I really miss mine."

------------------------------------------------------------

A family of Aboriginals just moved in next door and their 3 kids have
challenged me to a water fight, so l'm just emailing you to say hello while
l wait for the kettle to boil.

------------------------------------------------------------
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and
sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

------------------------------------------------------------

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
-- Jay Leno

------------------------------------------------------------

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a
martyr now though," mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21." "Oh, I remember him, he
had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh, gracious me ....." Says the
other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be
18, she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when
he first started school" "He’s a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her
eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[mrbob]

Continuing in the pollitically incorrect vane......

A man goes into an adult shop asking for a blow up doll.

"Do you want a Christian one or a Muslim one?"

"Um, what's the difference?"

"Well, the Muslim ones blow themselves up."

[Shannon]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one ofthem new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yerwifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fersome change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no dick!

[imortl]

Q: Why did the Toilet Paper roll down the hill?

A: Because it wanted to get to the bottom!

DISCLAIMER: I think it sounded funnier when told to me by my mate's 7 year old with a speech impediment

[Rally Angel]

Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies:

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to
you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged R5.99 for
the first 10 words and R1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of
Steve.

[Renee]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope...just when it's raining.'