Joke Thread

[Ric Cary]

Two women, Mrs Jones and Mrs Johnson, are walking through a graveyard pissed one night. Half way through they both stop to go to the bathroom in a bush, leaving them with a dilemma of how they are going to wipe. Mrs Jones doesn't really care, she just takes off her thong, wipes with it, and throws it away. Mrs Johnson can't do that though, as she wasn't wearing anything. Instead she grabs the nearest thing she could find: A wreath from a grave. They continue home ...

Next morning Mr Jones gives Mr Johnson a call.

Mr Jones: "I think my wife might be having an affair. She came back last night with no thong on."

Mr Johnson: "You think that's bad? Not only did my wife come home without any underwear, she also had a sticker on her arse saying 'Will miss you loads. You were lots of fun - From all the lads at the fire station.'"

[Ric Cary]

A MARRIED Manchester United fan drove 400 miles for a saucy weekend with a girl he’d met on the internet only to discover it was an elaborate hoax set up by two burly Liverpool supporters he had upset on holiday.Stuart Slann spent nine hours in his car travelling to Aberdeen believing he was about to enjoy his first night of romance with a girl called “Emma”, whom he had never talked to but had been sending him suggestive email messages for over a month.

But when Stuart, 39, from Sheffield, South Yorkshire, finally got to the remote farm in the north of Scotland where “Emma” had told him she lived it was locked up and deserted. He then got a text message saying she was delayed at work and that he would have to wait.

After sitting in his car growing increasingly cold and frustrated for over three hours, Stuart finally called “Emma” and was horrified to hear a man with a Liverpool accent answer and say: “Hello Stuart, do you remember us? It’s them Scouse lads who threw you in the pool. You’ve been framed.”To complete Stuart’s misery, his wife Louise, 34, now knows about the “affair” on the Facebook website and has left him.

Last November Stuart, a lifelong United fan, fell out with the two Liverpool supporters who were staying in the same holiday hotel in Cancun , Mexico , after chatting each day about football.

During one row beside the pool during his three-week break the two Liverpudlians, who are both professional Cage Fighters, got so fed up with Stuart’s claims about how much better Manchester were than Liverpool they threw him into the water, accidentally breaking his ankle and smashing one of his ribs.

But their revenge didn’t stop once they got home to Merseyside. The pair then tricked Stuart into sending emails to “Emma”, a fictional girl they had created on the Facebook website.

The tricksters, under the guise of “Emma”, contacted Stuart and claimed to like the look of his photo on the web and share his love of United.

During the nightly email exchanges that followed, “Emma” told Stuart how she couldn’t wait to meet up and make more of their budding relationship.

To make matters even worse, as Stuart drove to Scotland he was even persuaded in a text message to use his mobile telephone to send a rude photograph of himself to “Emma”, who he mistakenly thought was excitedly waiting for him to arrive north of the border.Now the two unnamed Liverpool fans have posted that photo – and a tape of the telephone conversation when Stuart finally discovers who “Emma” really is – on the YouTube website, where it is proving a huge hit. Even websites for supporters of Liverpool, Manchester United and Sheffield Wednesday are now advertising where to find the footage and last week it began appearing on internet pages in Holland , making him a laughing stock with football fans across Europe .

Last night, the father-of-one, a building labourer, said: “There’s no doubt I’ve been done good and proper by the lads from Liverpool .

“It was cruel, but I’ll hold my hands up and say they really wound me up.”

Here is the youtube video containing the phonecall: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qt-AZgoS3Lg
Here is the facebook group:
Facebook Nightmare!! Video Of Internet Dating Gone Worng Stuart Slann | Facebook




And here is the phone call:

Dailymotion - Facebook Nightmare - a Funny video

Dailymotion - Facebook Nightmare - a Funny video

[Ric Cary]

Little Mary walks through to her daddy, and asks "daddy, what's sex?"

Her daddy is a bit confused why his precious, 7 year old daughter would ask such a question, but he figures that she's going to learn about the facts of life soon enough, so he might aswell tell her now.

So he tells her about the birds and the bees, and once he's finished, he asks "well Mary, why do you want to know?"

"Mummy says dinner will be ready in two secs!"

[bryanv]

I had a very similar true situation recently, when my 8 yr old son asked "Dad, what's sex mean?". After umming and arring for a while, and trying to figure out how to explain it appropriately for an 8 year old, I asked "Why do you ask?". Zane then says, "Because the Little Athletics form is asking what my sex is!"

Phew!

[Ric Cary]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[Darren]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me,

"YOU'RE NEXT".

They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Spac]

http://209.85.122.87/5901/188/0/p100...ilerboyz_1.jpg

[spike]

Originally Posted by bryanv

I had a very similar true situation recently, when my 8 yr old son asked "Dad, what's sex mean?". After umming and arring for a while, and trying to figure out how to explain it appropriately for an 8 year old, I asked "Why do you ask?". Zane then says, "Because the Little Athletics form is asking what my sex is!"

Phew!

i seem to remeber writeing yes please on all of mine lol.

[Ric Cary]

A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bull****, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet.

He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper."

His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary.

The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead".

The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?"

To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vice."

[Ric Cary]

A soldiers asks a nun: "Can I hide under your habit? we're off to Afghanistan and I don't want to go." After a while he emerges. ''Hope you don't mind me saying but you have a nice pair of legs" The nun replies: "Look higher and you'll see a nice pair of balls, I don't want to go either!"

[razoo]

The preacher was very distraught after the death of the bell ringer the day before and didn’t know what to do. He began the search for another bell ringer. Many people tried, but none could match the talents of the bell ringer he had before.
Finally, when the priest had all but given up hope, an armless man came to apply for the job. The priest was ready to turn him away, how could an armless man do justice to the bells of his church?
The man pleaded with him and told him he was the brother of the man who died the day before. When the priest heard that he decided that out of respect for his brother he must allow him to try.
The man thanked the priest and began to throw his shoulder into the bell. The priest could hardly believe the wonderful tones coming from the bells. As the priest was about to appoint him bell ringer, the man ran once more for the bell. But this time he tripped and fell to his death on the street.
The priest ran out and a large crowd had gathered. Someone shouted ‘’Does any one know this man? ’’
To which the priest replied, ‘’ I don’t know his name but he’s a dead ringer for his brother’’

[Ric Cary]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate ; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer at Woolworths. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five bucks....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolworths.

He deposits five bucks and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samplesfrom his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture forgood measure.

Jack hurried back to Woolworths, eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five bucks, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin.

The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better

Thank you for shopping at Woolworths

[Ric Cary]

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You have drank 11 cans of coke and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a Mongolian stir-fry.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the extra spicy giant burrito from the 3:00am Mexican taco joint adventure. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured Schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Frasier. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once but you have had 9 Schnapps scented dumps.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on with your eyes closed while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your arse is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during the day brings tears and burning to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. You are only able crawl from the washroom back to your desk as your legs won't support your weight any longer.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. The vodka you drank all night has turned to formaldehyde in your system and the vapours are seeping out of every pore in your body making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is swollen and suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the strange looking one legged person was passed out on your bed next to you this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your arse and even the splash of water touching you is painful. You feel as though you may have internal bleeding. Death sounds pretty good right about now.

[razoo]

The French have a nickname for the pope; "16 valve". He's Benedict the 16th and the French word for valve is "soupape" and Pope is Pape. Hence "seize soupape"

anyway back to the joke...........................

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph... (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[mc68]

Originally Posted by Ric Cary

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You have drank 11 cans of coke and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a Mongolian stir-fry.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the extra spicy giant burrito from the 3:00am Mexican taco joint adventure. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured Schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Frasier. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once but you have had 9 Schnapps scented dumps.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on with your eyes closed while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your arse is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during the day brings tears and burning to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom. You are only able crawl from the washroom back to your desk as your legs won't support your weight any longer.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. The vodka you drank all night has turned to formaldehyde in your system and the vapours are seeping out of every pore in your body making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is swollen and suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the strange looking one legged person was passed out on your bed next to you this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your arse and even the splash of water touching you is painful. You feel as though you may have internal bleeding. Death sounds pretty good right about now.

Im in tears after reading that!!!!