Joke Thread

[Ric Cary]

New Zealand...The only country you can get a great shag,
a delicious hotpot, and a lovely jumper.
All from the same animal!

[justinb]

One day, the local parish advertised to fill the position of the Sunday bell ringer. The next day, the priest heard a thud, thud, thud at the door. Presented before him was a man with no arms.

"Yes my son?" said the priest

"I'm here to apply for the bell ringing job" the man with no arms replied.

"But you have no arms!, how are you to play the bells?"

"I use my head father, and my feet."

The priest thought for a moment, and said "I believe in giving everyone a fair go. Come this Sunday morning, and if it works out.. you're hired.

Sunday rolls around.. the priest is outside talking with parishioners as the bells begin to ring.

The music rang out across the land, as the man with no arms works hard to impress the father.

Then, the man, disorientated from all the ringing tripped and fell out of the tower

"ahhh......." splat .. his dead body on the ground.

They all gather round when one parishioner asked "Who is this man?"

The priest replied. "I don't know, but his face rings a bell"



The next day, there is a knock at the door. The priest opens the door to a man “Yes my son?”

“I would like to play the bells at tomorrow’s funeral, you see, the man with no arms was my brother. “

The priest looks him up and down, notices two arms, two hands etc... “Ok my son, you can honour your brother at tomorrow’s funeral. Service is at 10am”

The next day, at the start of the service, with all the mourners gathered out the front the bells began to play. The music rang out across the land. Suddenly, the man trips over some rope and falls out of the tower.

“ahhh.....” splat. Dead.

The mourners and the priest all gather around. “Who is this man?” asks one of the mourners.

“I don’t know” replied the priest. “But he a dead ringer for his brother”

[geralds]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,



* *



(Wait for it.)



* * * "




He should've quit while he was a head!"


_______________________________________

[Miss]

The Hoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff"

The barman replies, "No hassle"

[Spac]

If I wasn't so lazy, I'd change this to be Australian:

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had
scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues,
but he couldn't find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching Fox News he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani Muslim
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight
into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another
hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he
threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to
get this guy the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghani
is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him
what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom,"
he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"

[Ric Cary]

Two policemen were walking down the road when they saw two gays kissing each other passionately in the middle of the street.

One of them turns to the other and goes "Look at those homo bastards. They make me sick! Let's go and twat em."

So they give chase and the gays, seeing the angry looks on their faces, run off.

One of the gays was too fast, and ran off down the street.

The other one though was really slow and turned a corner as they were catching up to him.

As the policemen rounded the corner, he was gone. Vanished.

"For ****'s sake!" said one policeman. "I'm gutted I didn't catch that gay bastard; I would've stuck this truncheon right up his arse!"

Then, out of nowhere, they hear a quiet little voice saying:

"...I'm in the bin."

[brian (DRT)]

A Drover walks into a bar with
A pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
Mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
Dropped his trousers,
And placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
As the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
Bottle and smacked the
Crocodile hard on the top of
Its head

The croc opened his mouth
And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
And the first of his free
Drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
With the beer bottle




































-

[Ric Cary]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted.

[TKM]

May have been posted previously, but I'm too lazy to check




Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book..

For a video to see how Beer works click here:

Beer Demo

[razoo]

Chemist walks back into his shop after a short break and sees a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant

"He came in for cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives" replied the assistant.

"You f%$#n idiot" exclaims the chemist, "you can't treat a cough with laxatives"

"Of course you can" replies the assistant, "look at him, he's too f&%$n scared to cough"

[Rallyray]

GOLD!!!!!!!!!!

[Rallyray]

What the most unbelievable thing about the harry potter movies?

A Ranga with Friends.

[Rally Angel]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this...

Yep. I know you will...









"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[Rally Angel]

"Hi Mum, How are you"
"Hi Son, where are you? I thought you were with your father at Bunnings"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, they've let me make one phone call"
"Oh my God, what happened?"
"Oh, I just punched this abo sheila in the head."
"What on earth did you do that for ?????"
"But Mum,,,,,,,,I don't really think it was my fault though. Dad told me to go find a Black & Decker."

[Ric Cary]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,

"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing

"That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,

"... So how many is a Brazilian?"