Joke Thread

[Matt]

That's not a joke Adrian. It is true. It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

[michael taylor]

Originally Posted by pkobold

*Angry woman says: If I was your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee Angry man says: Madame, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!

the angry man of whom you speak was actually winston churchill...
he also famously said, of a woman who accused him of being drunk: "and you're ugly, but in the morning, I'll be sober, and you'll still be ugly"

[Dave Ferris]

*Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet......then for the eating period only it is permissible.

*It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
1. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
2. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
3. After wrecking your boss' car.
4. One hour,12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

*Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates

*Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

*If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her....

*Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden..However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

*No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

*On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

*When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

*It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free...

*Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts....
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

*Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

*If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

*Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

*A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

*Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

*If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

*It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

*Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,orange or sky blue...

*The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

*There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.

[Rallyray]

Go to www.tshirthell.com

Funny site...
Got some VERY bad t-shirts. Be warned....

"Michael Jackon didn't molest those children.... He made love to them."

[RD Mullet]

MEMO TO THE FAMILY DOG AND CAT
1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
5. My CD's are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me. I have been using the bathroom for years... canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.
8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.
9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.
10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

[MadDog]

Subject: Hen



Tom, as he always does, kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom...and who are you?" he asked.
This is not your bedroom," the man replied,
"I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!!? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young." said Tom.
"If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own"
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen" Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow....then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said.
"How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.... have you never laid an egg before??"
"Cluck twice, and then you push as hard as you can."
Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop'...an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said, "that felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout...
Tom, for Christsake !! Wake up...you're ****tin' all over the bed!"

[Dave Ferris]

Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
****ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the ****ing
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the ****?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever ****ing does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you ****ing McTosser.

[MadDog]

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and

shouted into the phone: "Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly!"



The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialled The

wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"



"No," replied the trainee.



"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"



The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are F***ING talking

to, you F***ING idiot?"



"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly



"Thank F**K for that!" replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.

[Rallyray]

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital

Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they got back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." And then asked "Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision"

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be fu**ed if he needed glasses."

[michael taylor]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible".

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo-doo?"

"It was my first day with the hook"

[Tim]

Got anything better taylor?

[michael taylor]

not as funny as you trying to find oberon on a dark night, i grant you, but it was all i had...

[RD Mullet]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that herbody hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor."Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," said the doctor. "Your finger is broken."

[Spac]

This bloke has been stuck, alone, on this tiny island for ten years. Then one day this beautiful female scuba diver appears on the beach.

She asks him when he last had a good meal. "Ten years ago! Just beeen living on bloody berries and stuff since then!", so she produces a beatufully warm meal of roast lamb and veges in a water proof container and hands it to him.

While he's shovellling the food in, she asks him when he last had a drink. "Ten years ago!" he replies, so she digs around in her pack and produces a bottle of top quality whiskey and hands it to him.

Needless to say, the guy is really happy, and he swigs at the bottle pretty hard.

Then the female scuba diver grabs the zipper on her wet-suit, and starts slowly, sensuously pulling it down. While she's doing this, she asks the bloke "And when was the last time you had some real fun?"...

The guy's eyes boogle! He splutters out "D-d-d-don't tell me that you've got a dirt bike in there?!".

[Miss]

Disclaimer: this refers to chicks that may or may not exist, since I and lots of my chick friends are rally chicks most of this doesn't apply. In fact, you could substitute points 4 - 43 with "happy to work on her car after she's cracked the sheets cause she's just too much of a weakling", add "spare parts" in point 45, substitute "michelin slappers" for "other girls" in point 49 and include "to work on the car" after "time" in point 51 and also include "garage" in point 52...

But I thought it was pretty funny way...

It is not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organiser
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

IN ADDITION, YOU MUST:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
53. It is very important that you never forget: Birthdays, Anniversaries and arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Shag him
2. Leave him in peace