Joke Thread

[Ric Cary]

Not only does F--k seem to know where everything is
But I also can't think of anything I'm thankful for on a more regular basis.

[lxb02]

What is the difference between an SUV and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards...

[Marcus]

What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three Hos

[Matt]

[Ric Cary]

During a recent audit at the Bank of Ireland, it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:-
MickyMinnieDonaldGoofyHueyLouieDeweyPlutoBerlin.
When asked why such a long password he replied, 'Oi was told it had to be at least eight characters long and include one capital'

[gav143]

You may have heard it..

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Spac]

A pirate is on the lookout for some intimate action. Walking along the street, he sees a beautiful lady. Approaching her, he says, "How much to bite your breasts?"
The lady, of course, tells him to "p155 off" and continues along the street.

The pirate, undeterred, follows he and offers "I'll give you a $100 if you let me bit your breasts." The lady ignores him and continues walking.

The pirate follows after her and says, "A thousand dollars. I'll give you a thousand dollars if you let me bite your breasts." The lady stops and rebuffs him again before walking away.

The pirate chases after her and says "Ten thousand dollars to let me bite your breasts. Ten grand." The lady stops and pauses. After a moment, she agrees.

The lady and the pirate find a quiet location where she removes her top & frees her breasts. The pirate carefully takes her breasts in his hands and fondles them, before kissing and licking and doing the 'nummmmm' bit in her cleavage.

The lady steps back for a moment and says
"Well, aren't you going to bite them?"
The pirate replies, "No. Too expensive."

[Spac]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Swiss Engineer are out on an expedition when they are captured by locals. They're informed that, as spies, they are sentenced to death by guillotine.

The Englishman is brought up to the guillotine and asked for his last words. "Gos Save the Queen," he says. But the guillotine malfunctions, and his captors consider it an omen and spare his life.

Next, the Frenchman is brought up to the guillotine and asked for his last words. "Vive La France," he says. But the guillotine malfunctions, and his captors consider it an omen and spare his life as well.

Last, the Swiss Engineer is brought up and asked for his last words.













"I think I see the problem."

[imortl]

I went to JB HiFi looking for the game Grand Theft Auto, but I couldn't remember what it was called.

The sales assistant, in an effort to help, asked me to describe the game. I told her it was about some low-life driving around with an iron bar, crashing cars, r00ting wh0r3s and evading the police.

Stupid woman gave me Tiger woods PGA Tour 2010!

[Pickstock Rally Team]

Men do remember anniversaries!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as He wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.


The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.


The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"


"I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"


"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out Today."

[Ric Cary]

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'

Granny replies, ' **** the pills! Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'

[Ric Cary]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Ric Cary]

Subject: Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

Signed

Tiger Woods

[Ric Cary]

went up to a blonde in a club last night with a pack of 52 cards and asked her to pick any one card at random.

"Do you accept that there's no way I could possibly know which card you've picked?" I asked.

"There's no way", she replied.

"And if I can tell you exactly what's on your card, wouldn't that be pretty amazing?" I asked.

"If you can tell me exactly what's on my card, I'll give you a blowjob", she giggled.

"H2 Plumbing Ltd, Sydney's Best Plumbers, 97751 3344", I replied.

[Ric Cary]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...