Joke Thread

[Renee]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving
parts - the mouth and the ass hole - and they are interchangeable'

[CMD]

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER:


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
'You better pray that this will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
'You'll sit there until all that SOUP is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do..'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18.
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP .
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me..'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN
ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you '

[Shannon]

Saw this on another forum thought it was pretty funny




Dear People of Australia , Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
Economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
Workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme
Will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
For the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be
RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government
Deems appropriate. Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not
Be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much ****
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government
Has always prided itself in the amount of **** it gives out. Should
You feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the
Attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the
**** you can handle. Sincerely, Kevin Rudd





Canberra PS: Have a nice life. . . . . 

[Renee]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband (soaking wet)

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband..

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Over here on the swing!' replied the drunk.

[CMD]

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She tells the bus driver she needs someone to talk to, she lives in a convent and wants to experience SEX before she dies. The bus driver agrees, but the nun explains she can't have SEX with anyone who is married because it would be a sin. The bus driver says 'No problem...... I'm not married.' The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she'll have to take it up the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only people on the bus, they go in the back of the bus and take care of business.
When they were done and he resumed driving, the bus driver said 'Sister, I have a confession to make. I'm married and have three kids.'
The nun replies, 'That's OK, I have a confession too. My name is John and I'm on my way to a costume party' 'Happy Halloween'

[CMD]

With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.
‘This is the pig I f-@k when you have a headache,’ he says.
The wife looks at him and replies, ‘That's a sheep under your arm.’
He says, ‘I wasn't talking to you.

[CMD]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. ‘Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass ...guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, ‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, ‘Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

[daewoo]

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his new bride is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself. ... Virginity Test Kit....a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

[mrbob]

Speaking of virgins - I heard this one last week. I can't be bothered reading back up this thread to make sure it wasn't here I heard it, so if I did - sorry!!

Apparently Susan Boyle has helped reduce terrorism worldwide. Now that the terrorists have seen what a virgin looks like, they're not in such a hurry to blow themselves up!!

[daewoo]

Originally Posted by mrbob

sorry!!

they're not in such a hurry to blow themselves up!!

NO need to say sorry this time... I did a search and you are the first...


Two Palestinian women are at a bus stop talking about their children.

The first Palestinain women is showing a photo of her children when they were young to the second woman.

Woman 1: "and this is Mohamed, he graduated first in his class, I was s proud"
Woman 2: "where is he now?"
Woman 1: "he became a matyr for Allah"
Woman 1: "and this is Ramzi, he was the first from our villiage to go to University"
Woman 2: "where is he now?"
Woman 1: "he became a matyr for Allah"
Woman 1: "what about you, were you blessed with any sons?"
Woman 2: "Three, all matyrs for Allah"

Woman 1: "Ah, Yes yes I know they blow up so quickly don't they?"

[mrbob]

Or there was the guy that went to the adult shop to buy the inflatable sex doll.

Shopkeeper: Do you want the Muslim one or the Christian one?

Perv: What's the difference?

Shopkeeper: Well, the Muslim one blows itself up.



Boom Tish.

[Eco-velocity therapy]

The 2010 Drift Australia series has been cancelled - see story here (it is real) Drift Australia 2010 Series cancelled SpeedCafe - Get Your Racing Fix

Who says the "don't be a dickhead" campaign would not work?

[Rallyray]

I'd tell a Jesus joke today but all the churchies would get cross...

[Annatastic]

[Rallyray]

YouTube- Everyday Normal Guy
Swearing Alert...

Funny...