Joke Thread

[mrbob]

Yeah, I get that. Was just trying to make a further joke. Sheesh - it's not funny when you have to explain it!!

[Spac]

A Letter To Jessie James:



You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for, and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of **** that you are.

Thanks for taking the heat off of me.

Let’s do lunch.


~Tiger

[Mickb83]

Originally posted as a blog on The Daily Telegraph | Breaking news, videos and pictures from Sydney, NSW, Australia and the world | DailyTelegraph by Joe Hildebrand.....

Investigators have uncovered yet another set of secret books being kept by the Melbourne Storm rugby league club.

The extraordinary find reveals the salary cap breach was just the tip of the iceberg and has produced even more earth-shattering revelations detailing the extent of the Storm’s deception.

The incredible finds include:

*A ledger showing the $58 billion Federal Budget deficit went directly to Greg Inglis;

*Documentary evidence proving that despite the paperwork shown to a certain national franchise, there are in fact 12 secret herbs and spices;

*A 2011 season strategy to replace every player on the team with Tony Abbott;

*A DIY manual entitled J.R.R. Tolkien’s Guide to Bookkeeping;

*Several applications by Brian Waldron for a pink batts installation licence;

*A mathematical formula showing how to add two and two and get five (invented by Barnaby Joyce);

*A chemical formula showing how to convert manure into hard currency (invented by Vince Colossimo);

*A review describing Baz Luhrmann’s Australia as ``not bad’’;

*A collection of pastoral watercolours by Willie Mason;

*The name of the only Sydney celebrity not in Richard Buttrose’s little black book;

*A recipe by Julie Goodwin that isn’t ``homely’’;

*An early draft of The Da Vinci Code in which it turns out the Catholics weren’t hiding anything;

*The address of a man in Longreach, Queensland, who doesn’t particularly care about Carl Williams one way or the other;

*The reason why Rove McManus is popular;

*Plans for an integrated electronic ticketing system that actually works;

*A missing page of the Dead Sea Scolls that explains the whole New Testament was just a viral advertising campaign for a fish company;

*A full medical report explaining precisely what it is that’s wrong with Matthew Newton;

*A full medical report explaining precisely what it is that’s attractive about Troy Buswell;

*The uncensored focus group responses to iSnack 2.0;

*A costed Greens policy;

*The second word Justin Bieber was planning to introduce into his lyrics before police cancelled his show;

*The first ever complete and definitive collection of the portfolios that have been removed from Peter Garrett;

*The name of the mystery Liberal MP who supports Tony Abbott’s maternity leave policy;

*An original 60 Minutes briefing note given to Ray Martin advising him the RSL ``isn’t that fussed’’ about the Australian flag.

A senior Storm source admitted the club had maintained the secret documents but said they’d done it for society’s sake.

``You should see what’s behind door number three,’’ he said.

``Turns out JFK really was a communist.’’



Mick Bannon

[razoo]

Today is National Jedi Day,
May the 4th be with you

[legend]

I went to the doctors this morning, and she told me that I had to stop masturbating.

"why?" I asked

She said "because I can't get the needle in your arm with it moving like that"

[Rallyray]

A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[razoo]

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said:
'Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.
'Because,' said Mick 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday'

Paddy replied 'Silly buggers! - the laugh's on them.

I wasn't home yesterday!!'

[razoo]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said 'How bad is it doc?
I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'

The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let
it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided
splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on
their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful breasts.
She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'

He immediately drops his pants and replies,



'Look at this. . .... . . .. ..still in the CRATE!'

[Dave Kelly]

This is quite clever!

[Spac]

Some Kiwi blokes broke into my house, so I worked out a way to keep them away. I hung a sign on my front gate - it says:

Job Centre

Haven't had a problem since.

[Marty]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[Spac]

Study Links Loud Mufflers to Penile Inadequacy

[oldmanbluebird]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me,
an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious
she was a little irritated. . . ... .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dollar fo yen..
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change ?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!''

[afifield]

Adult concepts warning.......


You know there are so many UK TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter .....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.. but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired....

[legend]

Originally Posted by oldmanbluebird

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me,
an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious
she was a little irritated. . . ... .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dollar fo yen..
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change ?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!''

'fluct you British too, I keep it til tomorra" is that still doing the rounds? I remember my father telling that joke in the mid 1970's.