Joke Thread

[razoo]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman : I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[Spac]

Supposedly a true story:

Back in his heyday, Mohammed Ali was chipped by an air hostess for not wearing his seatbelt: "Superman don't need no seatbelt, Ma'am" quipped Ali.

Quick as a flash she responded: "Superman don't need no plane, Sir".

[fly]

Two pregnant ladies are sitting on a park bench, happily knitting away, when one of the ladies watch alarm goes off.

She opens Her purse, takes out 2 thalidomide pills, and swallows them.

The other lady looks at her in shock.

"Have you got any idea what they do to unborn babies ?" she shrieks.

"Oh yeah" she replies, "That's why I take them,............... I can't knit sleeves"

[Spac]

Glorious insults from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Attlee)

[Shannon]

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget !!

Furious she screams, you promised you wouldn't cheat again !!!!

The husband replies, for **** sake, Cant you see I'm trying to cut down.......

[Shannon]

A girl in the Pub points to my beer gut and "says whats that, VB or Carlton?"

I said

"No idea, but there's a tap tap underneath if you want a try!"

[fly]

How do you circumcise a redneck ?
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Kick his sister in the chin.

[daewoo]

Originally Posted by fly

How do you circumcise a redneck ?
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Kick his sister in the chin.

Hey that's supposed to be about Greek boys and their father... come on Fly you've always been more prejudiced against race that socio-ecconomic status...

How do you separate the men from the boys in Greece?
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With a crow-bar

[MATNESmotorsports]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink , and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them..

[Dave Kelly]

I'll put it here because it isn't rally related...but for those following the round ball game and the world cup, this is rather clever!

YouTube - USMNT-ENG

YouTube - USMNT-ENG

I hope they don't do one of yesterday mornings effort by the socceroos... there is only so much pain one can bear!

Cheers

Dave

[brian s]

Two aussies were sitting in their new shop waiting for an electrician
the shop was empty except for the two milk crates they were sitting on and three shelves they had just put up
One guy says to the other one I bet you 50 bucks some oldie comes along, looks in the shop and asks what were selling
Bull says the other one your on
No sooner had they made the bet when an old lady stuck her nose on the glass to get a look inside
Then she put her head in the door a asked "what you boys sellin?"
Arseholes said one of the guys we sell arseholes
"Must be doin well " said the old girl "only got two left"

[Ric Cary]

Agroup of really clever guys are sitting round a table,
"I have a good idea says one,lets run a control tyre in the ARC"
"brilliant"say the others in unison all then bruise each others backs guffawing and thinking how clever they have been and discussing tenders and fairplay.
then they go to Tasmania......oops but thats ok they say, It'll never happen again, it was a teething problem we have done all the homework now we have all the checks and balances and KPI'S in place.

Then they went to South Australia ............... Oh sixteen you said we thought you meant 6,............................. Imbeciles !!!!

[Rallyray]

Same tyre problems for SA??? Really.

[Marcus]

NSW Rally Rego.

[The Berg]

Tiger Woods pulls into a service station in Ireland to fill up. The attendant fills the car and says to tiger, dat'll be 25 books tanks.
Tiger fiddles around in his pockets and pulls out some change and a couple of golf tees.
The attendant says, what are does tings for.
Tiger says, they're golf tees, for resting my balls on while I'm driving.
the attendant says, jeeez, does engineers at audi tink of everyting don't dey.