Joke Thread

[Dave Kelly]

... and in other news

YouTube - VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill

YouTube - VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill

[brian s]

Gold Dave Gold
So much like US they make such a fuss about bugger all

[Mike Cherry]

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffeured to
Parliament House.

It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen over.
As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that someone
has "peed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense spared" and
to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ......"our
investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good news,
bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......"We spent
$5 million dollars on the investigation and have come to a successful
result."

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "The DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne
Swann's". Kevvy is shocked beyond belief. Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what
is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..." It's Julia Gillard's hand writing".

[Spac]

What’s the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**te. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**te team we should easily have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

FIFA have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?"
To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this frigging mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."

[afifield]

Says it all really.

[razoo]

Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

"Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

"The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii...so I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.

"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again."

Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."

[Annatastic]

[Mike Cherry]

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't,' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'


The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

[mrbob]

A Long-haul truckie had been on the road for 3 weeks. He rolls into Kalgoorlie and heads straight to the local brothel.

He slaps $500 on the counter and says "Give me the ugliest bitch you've got, and a burnt chop!"

The Madam replies "But sir, for that money, don't you realise that you could get two of our finest ladies, and a three course meal?"

He replies "No, I'm not horny, I'm just homesick"

[Stuart Walker]

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador.

Bugger off say's Mick, are you mad!!!!
Have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

[cwbyup]

[Spac]

What has 9 arms and sucks?












Def Leppard

[pistorf]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[pistorf]

How do you know when you're staying
in a Redneck hotel ?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, "Go ahead."


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.


Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a
Redneck murder . ..
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There's no dental records


Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else,
it would have been called a teethbrush.)


A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"


Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . .
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.


A new Redneck law was just recently passed .
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.


Did you hear that the Redneck governor's
mansion burned down ?
"Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them."

[pistorf]

Two very old men realize they are close to their last days and agree to have a last night on the town. After they have a few drinks they head over to the local brothel.

The Madam looks at the two old drunks and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two old goats are too drunk to waste my girls on. They won't know the difference."

The manager goes and does as he is told. The old men are soon led up to the rooms and they take care of their business.

As they are walking back home, the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead! She never moved or made a sound the whole time I was loving her."

His friend responds "It could have been worse. I think mine was a witch. I was making love to her and while kissing her on the neck I decided to bite her just a bit. She suddenly farted, and then flew out the window taking my teeth with her."