Joke Thread

[razoo]

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does work!!!!"

[Spac]

YouTube - Watermelon Headshot

YouTube - Watermelon Headshot

I reckon I've watched this about thirty times, and it hasn't gotten old yet.

[imortl]

Originally Posted by Spac

YouTube - Watermelon Headshot

I reckon I've watched this about thirty times, and it hasn't gotten old yet.

Yup, Still Funny!

[mrbob]

I can't feel my face

[JohnnoEH]

So, what do we do now?
You have to finish!

I've watched that at least 20-25 times... Still not old.

[razoo]

Q. Two Collingwood supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins
A. Society.

Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What does a Collingwood supporter use as a contraceptive?
A. His personality.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Collingwood supporter?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Collingwood supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger, for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a female Collingwood supporter in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Collingwood supporter on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a Collingwood supporter quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Collingwood supporters in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. Why is three Collingwood supporters going over a cliff in Lexus a shame?
A. Because a Lexus has four seats.

Q. What do you say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please

[Spac]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years..'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as
a public service.

[Spac]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his arss while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

[spike]

this should really go here =)



Subaru Liberty 1991 GX - eBay, Passenger Vehicles, Cars, Cars, Bikes, Boats. (end time 07-Oct-10 13:30:35 AEDST)

[MATNESmotorsports]

YouTube - Hilarious Commentating at Horse Racing

YouTube - Hilarious Commentating at Horse Racing

MATT

[MATNESmotorsports]

For those of you with women in your lives, this sums it up well.
For those of you women who are in our lives, this kind of explains it............



Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.




His Diary:

Car wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I got laid

[Spac]

This is in really poor taste, which is exactly why I feel the need to repost...













.











Got caught sniffing my mate's sister's undies yesterday.
Wouldn't have been so bad but she was wearing them at the time.
He went nuts!
Made the rest of her funeral awkward, too.

[Spac]

If I had wanted to make a life long career out of working with the mentally retarded, I would have either gone into
Special Ed or opened up a Harley-Davidson dealership..." - Christopher T. Shields (Black Echo)



Did you know 95% of all Harleys are still on the road?
The other 5% actually made it home.

Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets?
Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her head.

What's the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley?
Trade it in on a Kawasaki.

Why don't Harley riders sit on their bikes when the sidestands are down?
They're afraid to lean over that far.

What's the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner's home?
The Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.

How do you now you're riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.

Why don't Harley riders wave at sportbike riders?
Because they don't want to drop their tools.

How do you know all the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are worth the money?
You finally break into the 15's in the quarter mile.

Where can you find the world's largest collection of Harley jokes?
At Sturgis

What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
Sturgis!

How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.

Why don't Harley owners smile?
Once you realized you got conned into paying $25,000 for an outdated piece of $#!+ would YOU be smiling?

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
The location of the dirtbags.

Why do Harleys have fringe?
So you can tell if they're moving.

How do you know your Harley is handling great?
You can almost keep up with the logging trucks when you're riding in the
canyons.

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

Why couldn't the Harley mechanic repair the doorknob?
Some things just can't be fixed with only a hammer and a rope.

What's the difference between a Harley taken to Daytona on a trailer and one that's being ridden there?
The one on the trailer is going about 30mph faster.

Why do all Harley owners have trailers??
So they can go around corners faster!

You know you're a Harley rider if...

....you're unable to let your bike simply IDLE at a stop light.

....you confuse the word "character" with the more accurate term
"engineering flaws."

...."water cooled" means standing on the side of the road, in the rain, waiting for a your buddy to come in his pickup truck.

[Marcus]

I raced a Harley down a canyon once. It was quite the race - he would get away a bit then I would catch him. At the bottom as I passed he nodded in respect for a well fought duel. I waved back as I pedalled away.

[Spac]

I just saw a boat load of Datsun drivers, and it was sinking. They were in real trouble, so I alerted the authorities.
I hope the emergency services found them, or I've just wasted a f$%king stamp!

(With thanks to Tommi 'Teen Wolf' Flegl).