Joke Thread

[Rallyray]

Correction

Originally Posted by Miss

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Shag him
2. Let him rally
3. Leave him in peace

[Miss]

Originally Posted by Rallyray

Correction

Yep sorry, it should really read:

1. Shag him
2. Let him rally Datsuns without you hanging sheet on him all the time.
3. Leave him in peace with his power tools.
4. Dont look when he's got the chainsaw out.
5. Call the ambulance as soon as you hear the chainsaw start up.
6. Avoid saying "I told you so" at the hospital.

Hi Pete, I love you very much, really I do, no I'm still not happy with the chainsaw idea

[TKM]

And don't ever tell him to ask someone for directions, or to read the instructions.

[Julie Boorman]

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding he laid down the following rules:
I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff at Last.'"

*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

****************************************
Marriage (Part V)
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't waked him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"

[pkobold]

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would become known as "EuroEnglish":--

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

[Julie Boorman]

How To Shower Like A Woman.

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured. Walk to bathroom wearing a long dressing gown. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit ups.

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth and long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial cream, scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with gingernut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeeze off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like A Man.

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way - shake knob at her making a woo-hoo sound. Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of knob and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let water rinse off. Fart and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee. Rinse off. Get out of the shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size again in the mirror. Leave shower open, leave wet mat on floor, leave light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again. Throw wet towel on bed.

[michael taylor]

What's blue and f**ks old people?

Hypothermia


How do you swat 200 flies at one time

Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.


What's yellow and green and eats nuts?

Gonorrhoea


What do you get when you cross two black people?

Your ass kicked.


Why do women call it PMS?

Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


What's a mixed feeling?

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


What's the height of conceit?

Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


What's the definition of macho?

Jogging home from your own vasectomy.


How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

The cake jumps out of the girl.



Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
day in Iraq?

They don't want to wear out the camel.


What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.


How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

Look inside your pants; if you have a tallywacker, it's not time.


Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

[pkobold]

Definition of endless love?

Steve Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

[michael taylor]

International Rules of Manhood

*Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet......then for the eating period only it is permissible.

*It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
1. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
2. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
3. After wrecking your boss' car.
4. One hour,12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

*Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates

*Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

*If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her....

*Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden..However Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

*No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

*On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

*When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

*It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free...

*Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts....
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

*Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

*If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

*Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

*A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

*Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

*If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

*It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

*Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,orange or sky blue...

*The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

*There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.

[Swill]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying
in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[jem]

hahaha!!! That's hilarious Swill...

[Swill]

http://www.feralweb.com/fwap.htm

[Matt Dyne]

Lets try and just keep this to jokes please guys...

[KurtHipp]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: " And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly: "I think the man would have said: "Well, ***** me! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[MadDog]

Subject: New Pope



A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.
He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for
a couple of hours.
The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest
says no.
He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father".
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in
the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, look at that ****er! "

Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish
is called - a ****er!"

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings
the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big ****er"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I
caught it. I caught this ****er!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this ****er and we could have it for
dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head
mother.

Bishop: "Could you cook this ****er for dinner tonight?"

Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a ****er! Father
caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."

Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that ****er tonight."

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them,
and they all think the fish is great.
He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the ****er!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the ****er!"

Head Mother: "And I cooked the ****er!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze,
but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat,
puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff,
pours himself a large whiskey and says...
"You know, you c*#ts are alright !!!"