Joke Thread

[Swill]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she picked up:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
Intrigued
by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly
unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital
status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
You're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[mattj]

Not really a joke as such but funny none the less

These are actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a
trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve
them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together"

12. "A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming."

23. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for
it.

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[pkobold]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.!
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

[Dave Ferris]

A New Zealander, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible
shipwreck, and found themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the
beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the
breeze was warm and gentle. A perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm
from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the
Kiwi
had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed
her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual.

It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze. Perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned
over
to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear ...


"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[Swill]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

[pkobold]

Neighbor 1 : “High there new neighbor it sure is a nice day to be moving”
New Neighbor : “Yes it is and people around here seem extremely friendly”
Neighbor 1 : “So what is it you do for a living”
New Neighbor : “I am a professor at the university, I teach deductive reasoning”
Neighbor 1 : “Deductive reasoning , what is that?”
New Neighbor : “Let me give you a example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce you have a dog.”
Neighbor 1 : “That’s right”
New Neighbor : “The fact that you have a dog leads me to deduce that you have a family.”
Neighbor 1 : “Right again”
New Neighbor : “Since you have a family , I can deduce that you have a wife””
Neighbor 1 : “Correct”
New Neighbor : “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.”
Neighbor 1 : “Yup”
New Neighbor : “That is deductive reasoning”
Neighbor 1 : “Cool”

Later that same day

Neighbor 1 : “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door”
Neighbor 2 : “Is he a nice guy”
Neighbor 1 : “Yes and he has a interesting job”
Neighbor 2 : “Oh, yeah what does he do?”
Neighbor 1 : “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University”
Neighbor 2 : “Deductive reasoning, what is that”
Neighbor 1 : “let me give you a example. Do you have a dog house?”
Neighbor 2 : “No “
Neighbor 1 : “Fag.”

[Julie]

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. These are all "above - the- line expressions.Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
8. TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: this sh__ won't work.
10 TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

[MadDog]

for all the Michael Jackson fans out there

Edit: Not Safe for Work

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/nevercoppedafeel.swf

[Julie]

You've seen some of these before. They appeal to my sense of humour.


1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off."

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank. Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of
Home."..."That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome."..."Is it common?"..."It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No. Because he's really heavy."

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside. How's that?"..."Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
so go for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." "The other one says, "So are you, you fat arse!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21.You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking Fine." So that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[jon3950]

"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if
Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running
around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and
listening to repetitive electronic music."

Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

[Spac]

Stolen from some guy on Turbobricks:

[michael taylor]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
("el computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[michael taylor]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.



A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.



Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her
terribly low self-esteem.



What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.



Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.



How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.



Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed

[Bobesh]

Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Russell Beland, Springfield

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Roy Ashley, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Russell Beland, Springfield

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Unknown

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Russell Beland, Springfield

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other leaving from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
Unknown

[Bobesh]

Who's Your Daddy?

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms:

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue, where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad, as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.