Joke Thread

[geralds]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles

demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah,

well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE BE QUIET??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

[michael taylor]

THE GUYS RULES
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the lineout formation, and rallying.
1. Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. I’m in shape. - ROUND is a shape.


PS They’re all numbered “1” for a reason…

[michael taylor]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during
the Summer Olympics in Greece that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw
her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother
and
father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths
in
boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've
got
eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...
Oh
my God, what have I just said?"

[Spac]

Last name: ________________

First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue

[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo

[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann

[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee

[_] Billy-Mae[_] Bobby-Ellen

[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

-------------------------------------------------

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

-------------------------------------------------

Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Waitress [_] Mechanic

[_] Dirty Politician [_] Hair Dresser [_] Un-employed

--------------------------------------------------

Spouse's Name: ______________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________

Lover's Name: _______________________

2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

-------------------------------------------------

Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt

[_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Father

[_] Son [_] Cousin [_] Daughter [_] Pet

-------------------------------------------------

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

-------------------------------------------------

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

If higher education what was your major?

[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

----------------------------------------
Do you [_] Own [_] Rent your mobile home?

-------------------------------------

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of vehicles that still crank

___ Number of vehicles in front yard

___ Number of vehicles in back yard

___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

-------------------------------------

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

[_] truck [_] kitchen [_] bedroom

[_] bathroom/outhouse [_] shed [_] pawnshop

-------------------------------------

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

-------------------------------------

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer [_] TV Guide

[_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Bassmasters

-------------------------------------

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

--------------------------------------------

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles

[_] don't know

[Ric Cary]

Originally Posted by michael taylor

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far
during
the Summer Olympics in Greece that they would like to take back:

17. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the
IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

Ah yes an all time classic although first heard as "Kissing" at the Henley regatta

[michael taylor]

An Australian man, a Kiwi man, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl were sitting together on a train, travelling through
the Swiss Alps.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi
has bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: That Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the
dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the
dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: That Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in
The dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can
Smack that Kiwi again.

[Bogan]

I love eggs!!!

T.

[TKM]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

[michael taylor]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why
in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've
had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

[Mike Morris]

This is worth a laugh...........

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/uglydog.asp

[Dave Ferris]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[karter_91]

hey i just found this on the net


1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5) Are You Andy or Barney?

6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer

7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8) I pay your salary!

9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

13) What? You need a license to drive?

14) Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!

15) Is your power a penis substitute?

16) Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk

17) Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.

18) Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.

19) Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?

20) A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind

21) Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?

22) Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.

23) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence

24) Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?

25) Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too

26) My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal

27) Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

28) Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?

29) You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me

30) In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?

31) If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight

32) Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

33) Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either

34) Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut

35) Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?

36) Do you have any idea who you're talking to?

37) There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.

38) What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol

39) That uniform makes your ass look really big.

40) You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

41) I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

42) So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

43) I'm not as think as you stoned I am.

44) Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going"
Driver "No I'm too stoned to remember"

45) Its tobacco, honest

46) Hey, i bet i can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket! (from a friend)

47) Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?
>Driver: No, I haven't had any ****s tonight drinkstable.

[rawcs]

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the
rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello
to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I
shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate
whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

[gloworm]

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial " 0 " to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. AND..............

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15. You are too busy to notice there was no #9

16. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9

17. AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends ..you know you want to.

[Spac]

BIRTHDAY FACE LIFT....
A woman decides to have a facelift, for her birthday. She spends $5000, and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter, to get some mints and asks the clerk, this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home she asks an old man, waiting next to her, the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78, and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street, until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra, and begins to feel around, very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together, and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay,...how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47.

"Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."