Joke Thread

[Ric Cary]

North to Alaska<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month, otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road ... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."

Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild s*x, too", says Lars.

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.

[Annatastic]

The Toilet Paper Trick

Fresh from a shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the hubby uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she anxiously asks.

"They will grow larger over a period of years", her husband replies.

She stops suddenly.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day for years will make my breasts larger ?"
Without missing a beat the hubby says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

[Julie]

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They
were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (! UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK) !
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[DaveTrees]

A gynaecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was
involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all she could. When the time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor,
saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the MUFFLER..."

.... posted on the HRA eGroup by a (female) former Australian Champion co-driver .... !

[gloworm]

OUT OF PETROL

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in
heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )



The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[mattj]

OUR JOB IS SAFE AS LONG AS THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE......

ONE.
Recently I went to McDonald's and saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve,"
was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO.
I was checking out at the local Kmart with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of
those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she
said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed
my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "OK," and I paid
her for the things and left. She had no clue as to what had just
happened.

THREE.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car "Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have central locking too?" I asked. "No, just
this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't
you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE.
Several years ago, we had a junior who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the
junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX.
My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of
a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back
of my terminal. Do u guys have a fire downtown?"

SEVEN.
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.


Life is tough.
It's tougher if you're stupid.

[Dave Ferris]

*In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but
the animals must be female.. Having sexual relations with a male
animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

*In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's
genitals,but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the
examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

*The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

*There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of
having sex for the first time...
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover,on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

*Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only
in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

*In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex
with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass
this law?)

*In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

*Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex forpleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times
its own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did the govt. pay for this research??)

*Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez. My life is complete, I can die now)

*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

*Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

*And, the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

[geralds]

The difference between "guts" and "balls"!

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
arse and having the balls to say, "You're next, fatty."

[Dave Ferris]

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well,
you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
"What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10, and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do. First you have to
drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at
once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
"Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You
have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a
90-year-old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during
intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm not an idiot! I
won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,
and then do those other things...."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears
are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he
staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping,
and then... silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody
scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[Marty]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my best friend.

Amen.


MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf mute nymphomaniac with big jugs who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a toss.

Amen.

[TKM]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant plot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamonds, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing five dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those useless bastards at Bunnings Warehouse ever bring us the ****ing plasterboard."

[mattj]

nderstanding the point system

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But
return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college buddy (-2)

Named Tina (-4)

Tina is a dancer (-6)

Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have???

Pass it on to the fellas for info & to the gals for a good laugh!

[Miss]

Hehehe I see your hand maat and call...
For the rally boys and their rally chicks, hmmm let's see

You buy her a present (+1)
It's a set of Snap On ratchet spanners (+10)
It's a power tool you already have (+20)
You use it (-50)

You undo a bolt cause she's a weakling girl (0)
You undo a bolt on her rally car cause she's a weakling girl (-10) (yes that's right, it's HER project)
You undo a bolt on her rally car after she's cracked the ****s and is going to go it with the angle grinder (+10)
You go the bolt on her rally car with the angle grinder within her line of sight (+100, drool factor)

You tidy the garage (0)
You tidy the garage and catalogue all the spares (+10)
You tidy your side of the garage cause you've lost her set of ratchet spanners (-30) (yes that's right too, we KNOW you'd only tidy the garage if you've lost something that's hers)

You let her borrow the rally car (+1)
You let her borrow the rally car even though last time she drove it she bent something important, like a chassis rail (+1000)
She borrows your rally car, bends something important and you don't make her fix it (+10)
She borrows the rally car, bends something important, and instead of fixing it you buy a 4WD (-1,000,000) (yes Pete, let this be a warning)

[Julie]

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar,
Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer,
my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries:

Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know...
they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?... "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT
THE **** UP, DRINK YOUR GOD DAMN BEER IN YOUR ****ING FROZEN MUG AND EAT
YOUR ****ING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A
****ING BAR! THAT **** IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story.

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by jon3950

"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if
Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running
around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and
listening to repetitive electronic music."

Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989

Ever been to a rave?

- Anon poster at http://slashdot.org