Joke Thread

[PROTON BOY]

Politically incorrect joke!

Politically incorrect, I know, but funny......An Australian Aboriginal picks up a hooker.'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.'$100,' she replies.He says 'Do you do Aboriginal style?''No' she says.'I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style''No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.'I pay you $300''No', she says.'I pay you $400''No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Aboriginal style.' She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''. So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Aboriginal style'?' The Aboriginal replies 'You send da bill to da Gub'ment'.

[Rallyray]

Added to the joke bank.

[Thirsty]

Sorry if this is in here already.

Two cows standing in a field.
One goes 'MOOOOO!'
The other says 'F%#@ Ya, I was going to say that!'
Cheers Ross

[nricklee]

1. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

2. Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer: On their MARRIAGE.

3. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness – Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

[Chezsta]

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.


Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the
'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

[mickjfawcett]

Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked."

Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked."

I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

[TKM]

Two nuns where in the bath. The first nun says "Where's the soap" The second nun says "Yes doesn't it".

[Ric Cary]

An english Professor wrote the words:

"A woman without her man is nothing"

On the blackboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All the males of the class wrote :

"A woman,without her man,is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote:

"A woman:without her,man is nothing."

[Ric Cary]

A young schizophrenic named Struther,
Who learned of the death of his Brother,
Said, "I know that its bad,
But I don't feel too sad.
After all, I still have each other."

[Rally Angel]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Spac]

[Chezsta]

The upset wife....

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
Love to a very attractive young woman.

The wife was VERY upset!


'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to
Me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.

I want a divorce straight away!'

And he replied:


'Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what
Happened.


'Fine, go ahead', she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words
You'll say to me!'

And he began:

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young
Lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
Defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
Compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
For you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
You'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while
She was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I
Threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer
Jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because
You say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
Anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have
Good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
Don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you
Bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work
Has a pair like them..'

He took a quick breath and continued:

'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked
Her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said

'Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't
Use?'

[Rally Angel]

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time."

She said, 'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.'

[Rally Angel]

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, a German and a Maltese man are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Maltese man twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Becks.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio..

He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Maltese man, who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

'What's wrong?' says Jesus.

The Maltese man shouts, **** off, I'm on disability pension !'

[MATNESmotorsports]

Many aspects of human s*xuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental
factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to
the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite
flower?'

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.