Joke Thread

[Dave Ferris]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."


__________________

[Dave Ferris]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

[Dave Ferris]

This lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[Bogan]

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had been dating another man while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and she wanted the pictures of herself that he took away with him back.

He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed 47 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you".



T.

[Dave Ferris]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her .......He's naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

[Dave Ferris]

Blonde in a boat.

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde
“What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name.
If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

[Miss]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important
guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be
perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to rundown to the
beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the
beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He
kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just
come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.


All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right
over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place.
They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket,
ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He
ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he
got to the top of the stairs he dropped the bucket of snails. There were
snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry
wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.


He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then
back at the snails and said, "Come on lads, not far to go now!"

[Dave Ferris]

Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
* * * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[Dave Ferris]

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" He said hoping to be reassured..

"No, no, no!!!" She said

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

[rskb4]

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting New Zealand. He walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
"Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock).
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the
villager).
Dog: "Yep".
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?".
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager).
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!!!!"

[Dave Ferris]

A woman went to her boyfriend's parents house for
Christmas Dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she
is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman began to feel a little discomfort. Thanks to her nervousness and
the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains were almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decided to relieve herself a bit
and let out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table
heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, herboyfriend's father looked
over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in
a rather stern voice, "Skippy!"

The woman thought, this is great and a big smile
came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel
the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder
and longer "rrriiippp"

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that
rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked
at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her,
before she sh*ts on you!"

[Spac]

Shamelessly ripped off from darkyellow on ausrotary....


A bloke pushes his Datsun into a service station. He tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

The owner says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

"oh," says the owner "How often do I need to do that?"

[rskb4]

A man bought himself a parrot only to find out when he got home that it swore.It wasn't just the occasional "f..k" or "c..t", the parrot could swear non-stop for five minutes without repeating himself. The owner was a conservative type and the birds foul mouth drove him crazy.
Finally it got to be too much. The bloke grabbed the bird by the throat, shook him hard and yelled, "Cut it out!' But that just pissed the bird off and he swore more than ever.Then the bloke got really mad and locked the bird in a cupboard.
That really fired the bird up and he swore fit to embarass a Turkish prison warder. Finally the bloke got so mad he threw the bird in the freezer. For the first few seconds there was a terrible din, then it got very quiet. At first the bloke waited but then he started thinking that maybe the bird was hurt.
After a couple of minutes he was so concerned he opened the freezer door. The bird calmly climbed onto the mans outstretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from noe on."
The man was astounded, he couldn't understand the change in the parrot. Then the parrot said, "By the way.... what did the chicken do?"

[Miss]

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks hervery nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT"S A SCARF!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes andthen, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads and No forTails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000.00 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde". She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000.00 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... . . . "Here's your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it and then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edgethe lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" "My stupid computer keeps saying You've Got Mail."

[Phil & Sophia]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Spac
[B]Shamelessly ripped off from darkyellow on ausrotary....


A bloke pushes his Datsun into a service station. He tells the mechanic it died.

It wasn't a bright yellow one with an aussie flag on the side & stupid moronic smiley face on the boot?